This week is called "Shabbat Hagadol," "the great Sabbath." Some attribute the name to a custom of having the rabbi teach a long lesson on this Shabbat before Passover on the intricacies of the laws of Passover so that lay Jews would be reminded of the rules that they had not needed to know since a year ago. For my wife, this would be much too late, because she begins preparing the house for Pesah right after Purim!
The more common explanation of the name of this Shabbat, though, derives from a use of the word hagadol in a verse in the Haftorah for today. In that verse, the prophet Malachi looks forward to a messianic time with a specific characteristic:
Lo, I will send the prophet Elijah to you before the coming of the great (hagadol) and awesome day of the Lord. He will reconcile parents with children and children with their parents so that, when I come, I do not strike the whole land with utter destruction. (Malachi 3:23-24)
As the Jewish Bible is organized, these are the very last lines of the Nevi'im (Prophets) section, so this is the climax - and thus maybe the most important message - that the prophets are trying to teach us
As Professor Michael Fishbane notes in his commentary to this passage in Etz Hayim, the Conservative Movement's Torah commentary, "Different meanings of the preposition translated 'with' (al)...make it an open question whether the prophet envisions the reconciliation of parents 'with' their children or 'along with' them. In the first case, divine wrath will be forestalled by intergenerational reconciliation; in the other, both generations together will return to God."
Both of those meanings are in play in a dilemma that many parents and children face at this time of Passover. Throughout the year, parents and children may, on one end of the spectrum, get along quite well and deeply love each other. On the other end of the spectrum, parents might abuse their children or, in the case of elderly parents, children might abuse their parents. Most parent-child relationships are somewhere in between. Whatever the nature of a particular parent-child relationship, though, Passover can really complicate matters.
Passover, after all, is one of very few times in the year when Jewish families expect that as many family members as possible will show up for the family Seder. This brings them together for several hours of what can be a wonderful interchange of learning and social conversation. It also can be, though, an occasion when all of the family tensions come to the fore. So the Seder graphically reminds us of the importance of the first of the meanings that Professor Fishbane suggests - that parents and children find a way to sit with each other, ideally with love and joy, but, failing that, at least with decency and respect. This may require some preparations in which both parties agree to the rules of the game, so to speak, including what topics will be off limits that night, who will lead the Seder, and who will be at the first Seder and who at the second (if some members of the family are not on speaking terms with others). For all families, some of the suggestions in Ron Wolfson's book, The Passover Seder (originally published by the Federation of Jewish Men's Clubs and the University of Judaism and now by Jewish Lights) can give all members of the family a role to play in the Seder and thus make the conversation around the table an engaged, mutual, and interesting exchange.
The second of Professor Fishbane's meanings - reconciling parents along with children in their worship of God - comes to the fore in the tensions that exist in some families over how they observe the special dietary rules of Passover. Sometimes parents are more observant than children, and then parents need to refrain from imposing guilt on their children for what they do and do not do in observance of the holiday. At other times, teenage and adult children are more observant than their parents, and then they need to learn how to negotiate with their parents about how Passover will be celebrated to meet each other's needs. Much of this, of course, depends on their relationship throughout the year: if the relationship is good, then parents and children with differing observance patterns can lovingly and respectfully come to some accommodation - and rabbis can often be helpful in finding a common ground on this. Where parents and children do not get along generally, though, the Passover rules will unfortunately provide them with yet another thing to argue about. Passover is especially problematic because its dietary rules are much more demanding than those of the rest of the year, and so disparities in pattern of observance are much more likely to occur and to be a source of contention.
In all of these discussions, it is important to remember that neither the dietary laws nor those of Passover are part of the Ten Commandments, but honor of parents is. That is not to say that the dietary laws of those of Passover are unimportant; they are, in fact, at the heart of what identifies us as Jews, and they embody some of the tradition's central beliefs and values. But even they must be observed in the context of our Tradition's demands that we honor our parents and, conversely, that we teach our children well in ways that they will feel respected and further connected to Judaism. Hopefully, as families pursue their negotiations about their Passover plans, Malachi's vision of parents and children reconciled with each other generally and in their worship of God will prevail now and not just in Messianic times. May your Passover be personally sweet and meaningful, and may it be a time in which your ties to the members of your family are strengthened.